Carefully Created Chaos is the story of a new Mom's journey to create the life she envisioned through creative projects and business startups all while juggling love and a busy body toddler.
I found out I was pregnant during the holiday season in 2016. The feelings were a mixture of elation, trepidation, anxiety, joy and every emotion in-between. I didn’t feel the timing or circumstances were right. But that was one of my life issues, the timing never seems right. You can thank anxiety for that. I kept thinking that there would be no way I’d finally be able to pursue the creative career I had desperately longed for and was finally able to pursue now that I had a flexible career/job. I thought, the circumstances of my relationship weren’t necessarily ideal but we both wanted and longed for a child, which brought us closer together. This love child invigorated our two families who had been through a lot. That year, my partner and I had lost our grandfathers just weeks apart from each other. Those grandfathers were pivotal figures in our lives and their passing hit us both hard. My mom had battled Stage 2 Breast Cancer that same year which was another gut punch for our family. Month’s prior to that, we lost my aunt, my father’s only sibling. To sum it up, most of 2015 and the majority of 2016 sucked up until Christmas 2016.
Now it’s 2019, here I am, with a 17 month old son, whom I literally CANNOT get enough of, a life I’m still juggling like a circus act and I’m embarking on a film career with a newly founded media company. I take film courses at night to constantly learn and grow. I’m starting therapy very soon to address some long-standing and new issues that I’d like to better manage. Honestly, I don’t have anything figured out. I just know that at this part of the journey I want to work towards certain goals with the fervor that I haven’t had before. I’ve gained a hunger since having Kadin that has made my goals seem more attainable although exponentially more challenging. It’s important that he see his mom have a healthy relationship with herself. Too often moms don’t have a healthy relationship with themselves and that almost always inadvertently rubs off on the kids and I don’t want that. We are all learning and hoping lightening will strike on our businesses and projects. Success is the goal and everyone’s destination but I’m learning to appreciate the milestones along the way. I’m learning to not get derailed by circumstances, failures and people.
This is just the beginning. Welcome to Carefully Controlled Chaos!