I never expected to be here. I checked into the hospital Friday, May 15th after a pretty bad MRI reading. I had been dealing with severe back pain during the month of April 2020 which almost had me in the emergency room. It was in the middle of my back and excruciating. Nothing relieved it outside of some of my CBD/THC tincture but not enough to make me comfortable. Before that and during, I was experiencing some pretty severe headaches in March as well. During all of this, I also finally weaned my toddler from nursing and my hormones took a massive hit as a result. All of these compounding ailments transitioned to some fairly extreme nerve pain shooting all the way down my left arm and hand for many days at the end of April/ beginning of May. The nerve pain ceased and the numbness, tingling, stiffness, weakness, loss of finger control, coordination and pressure started to roll out which has left me in a position of feeling thankful it’s just one arm and hand affected and panicked I may never get full use of my left arm and hand again. I’m on a 5-day steroid treatment and healing very slowly right now. It’s truly terrifying but I refuse to properly mourn the loss of this function because I’m really focused on the next steps I need put in place to heal.

I am stronger than I think I am and I am allowed to have challenging moments and ask for help when I need it

Throughout this journey, there has been confusion, years of winning with no symptoms, health gains, health setbacks, emotional trauma, emotional healing, and a roller coaster of a lot of other life’s joys and pains. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2013 after years of weird and peculiar symptoms. Numb leg, torso, eye floaters, headaches, and eye dimming. It took years to get a definitive diagnosis but there was a catch. Shortly after diagnosis, I serendipitously met a dermatologist who recommended I see a functional medical practitioner she had heard of who does a deep dive into the root cause of illness as opposed to putting a bandaid on the problem like many traditional Western doctors are used to doing. With him, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. Lyme mimics MS and many other chronic illnesses. The Lyme protocol has kept me healthy and relapse-free since 2014.

I know that 2020 didn’t start the relapse that has put me in the hospital but it was the last straw that broke the camel’s back forcing me to address a slow-moving train heading off a cliff.

Things were going well for a while and I was thankful. Then new motherhood, relationships/friendship challenges, new work requirements, starting a business, taking classes, working on film projects, applying for a Master’s Program, caring for a precocious 2-year-old, who had his own health struggles with a few illnesses back to back at the beginning of the year along with his father, and now the era of COVID-19 and social distancing had started to put a strain on my whole body. My diet and exercise diminished after I gave birth and my priorities shifted. Not to mention the passing of so many people in such a rapid, often violent, and heartbreaking way. 2020 has been a gut punch that many of us never expected. I know that 2020 didn’t start the relapse that has put me in the hospital but it was the last straw that broke the camel’s back forcing me to address a slow-moving train heading off a cliff.

I spent so much wasted time angry at this mysterious Neurodegenerative disease that started affecting me as early as 2007 that I never addressed the emotional toll it was taking on me and my outlook. I focused so much on the diet, exercise, supplements, and other treatments and ignored some of the underlying mental health components that will never go away until fully addressed. Reflecting back, I’ve noticed there were some areas that I needed to pay particular attention to for my overall well-being and for a better disease outcome.

Below are some areas that I’ve struggled with and that I have to be committed to focusing on if I want to regain and maintain my health moving forward.

Moving forward my below health and overall wellness goals will be:

• Saying no! I’m supportive of everything that my family and friends do but I often say yes and participate in things that my body is screaming at me for later. I will not be able to continue that cycle of people-pleasing moving forward
• Listening to my body. I am my own healer
• I am stronger than I think I am and I am allowed to have challenging moments and ask for help when I need it
• Continuing to disengage in low-vibrational, toxic dialogue that ultimately moves nothing or no one in a positive direction
• Speaking up for myself is not necessarily an issue but it’s imperative I remind myself to do this sooner rather than later before resentments permeate and linger
• Reclaiming my time! I don’t put myself first anymore, understandably for moms with a family, but my tank gets too depleted and bubbles over and manifests into exhaustion and disease symptoms
• Be clear and concise about my needs and more responsive to others as well. Essentially work on communicating more effectively about my desire for space and self-care
• Get back to the strict diet but don’t beat myself up for slipping
• Schedule more facetime and calls with friends during the quarantine phase and after.
• Connect to my spirituality every day and never neglect that relationship
• Always remember to connect with my significant other in meaningful, positive, and loving ways
• No matter how hard things get never forget to continue to be my silly self
• Always set goals and be intentional on working on them daily
• Manage the expectations of others and myself
• Last but certainly not least, continue to connect with my little boy and remember to always focus on whimsy and wonder while guiding him through life and loving him unconditionally

This is not a comprehensive goal sheet as I type this with one hand and two moderately functional fingers on the other hand. I wanted to start my realignment process and remember where this journey began as a reminder of the unexpected setback during an unprecedented time. This 5-day hospital stay was a wake-up call that I didn’t want but I desperately needed it. I’ve worked out every day since I was admitted and worked on keeping my spirits high and my body strong.

Thank you for the healing prayers, therapeutic video calls, and amazing sound healing session. I’m not 100% by a long shot and I will have weeks/months of physical therapy, doctors’ appointments, and many trial and error protocols on my plate to deal with this disease. Without the commitment to our health we have virtually nothing to offer ourselves or anyone else. I hope this motivates whoever is reading this to kickstart all of the things that need to be addressed that you have been putting off and learn to focus on ourselves more so we can be better partners, better parents, and better in the world. 2020 has taught us that life is unexpected and we cannot put off doing what we need to do to thrive right now.

Tell me what you have reflected on during this quarantine period and how you want to improve yourself from this moment in time on?