Inspiration Archives | Carefully Created Chaos

I was on the Radio!

Amber Gray — Sat, 02 Mar 2019 20:30:23 +0000

A close friend of mine helped me get onto a DC based radio show with a friend of hers to talk about my new business endeavors. I was initially very excited but then I thought, “what business do I have on a radio show about my company when it hasn’t even fully taken ‘flight yet’?” The imposter syndrome has been ever present for as long as I can remember. Growing up black in all white spaces is one of the most challenging mental gymnastics any minority student can go through. Feeling the constant judgment along with overt racism from students and teachers was exhausting. While I knew I was capable of anything I put into action, the constant eyes of bias took a toll on my psyche. Fast forward to working in a very homogenous company culture, where I was the only black woman, and I was faced with the same insecurities I felt in my all white high school. I had gotten the Bachelors and the Masters but still my intellect, my perceived “attitude” was always questioned when I had questions or wanted to add a different opinion to the direction of a project. All of these things wear on black and brown bodies. We have to contend with the biases hurled upon us from whites that get to throw racist grenades at us and get mad at us for questioning them about blowing our arms off. Ok, rough analogy but you get the gist.

I’ve been working on this blog, working on my social media presence, taking videography technique courses and working on my business goals. Some days I’m completely clear about the direction I am going in and other days I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. The thoughts of my capabilities are always lingering in the forefront of my brain. I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life undoing the negative thinking of my childhood and young adulthood. I know that I will always be in the learning phase and mastery is a bit of an illusion. Yes, we will grow to dominate certain fields with intensive study and constant training but learning never truly ends; thus, mastery seems like a destination to a process that is ever evolving.

The radio show talks to Millennials who are venturing out with their own businesses while maintaining their 9-5 jobs. It made sense for me to add my story and my perspective because its valuable like everyone else’s. Reminding myself that I have value to add to the world is as much of an inside job as it is an external job. By external I mean that the external projects that I work on, from beginning to end, have value even if my projects never see the light of day. I cared enough to put my energy and love into them to bring them to fruition. That has value. I have insights on life and business that are unique. I’m working and I’m building and I’m blessed to know that all of this, the anxiety from my past, the anger from the racial biases, the wins the losses were all part of the plan that keeps propelling me forward. That cocktail of trauma, love, self-doubt, once realized, has made these new ventures so thrilling and I’m proud that I was able to tell my story on District Creative radio Show and I’m so thankful for the opportunity.

For more details visit The District Creatives website below.
https://dcradio.gov/programming/thedistrictcreatives/

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Therapy is for smart girls!

Amber Gray — Sat, 02 Mar 2019 20:23:25 +0000

I just started therapy again and I couldn’t be more elated and excited about the process. It’s painful but diamonds are created from pressure. I’ve been struggling with a few areas of my life and rather than continue to deal with myself I decided to elicit the support of a professional to help me sift through my troubles and elevate as high as I can possibly be. I’m all about reflecting, accepting, apologizing, acknowledging behavioral patterns and working hard to smooth out destructive or limiting behavior. I have every intention of working hard on my businesses and dreams along with working hard to improve and repair my relationships. I want to raise a child who doesn’t have to heal from trauma inflicted on him during his childhood. The least I can do is seek help and work on my roadblocks.

The first week of counseling, I realized I was completely disconnected from who I truly am. I went through a very jarring transition as a stay at home/work from home mom the first year. My experience isn’t uncommon but it was new and terrifying for me. I felt like I was lost in sea of sleepless nights, breastfeeding, breast milk blowout diapers and not achieving a damn thing in the process. Yes, you read that right, I felt like not only was I new mom but I was a new mom who hadn’t done much (In my brain) and now I have a little peanut looking up to me and my accomplishments. Although, I was working on my goals through classes and editing projects, pro bono while pregnant or with a newborn, I didn’t feel like I was at the stage of my career I should have been in. I had to look in the mirror and examine why I felt so low about myself. Why was I constantly comparing myself to peers? Was social media to blame or was I just not talented? These are just a few of the personal areas I’m working on and I hope to get a hold of. I know that I have the power to control these limiting beliefs about myself but somehow; I lost the ability to love myself unconditionally. This, like everything else, is a journey I will forever be on.

I feel like in the last few weeks I’ve gained some valuable insights about life and the journey we are all on. Our purpose to learn from each experience, good or bad, and accept that everything has a divine purpose and its best to not dwell on the situations that have disappointed us. That’s not always easy to do because our society has created a checks and balances journey competition we all seem to be on with each other which just makes most of us insecure and some of us crazy. We owe ourselves the opportunity to experience life with wonder, exhilaration and sit in the pain when we need to. We need to learn to give each other and ourselves more compassion. The machine of capitalism has taken a mental toll on so many of us and its high time we disconnect and reflect and seek help to do so if need be. We all deserve more happiness.

There is more growth to come.

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Too Old for the Club and the Earth?

Amber Gray — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 00:48:02 +0000

One of my favorite parts of the movie Knocked Up, was the scene when Leslie Mann’s character takes her pregnant younger sister, played by Katherine Heigl, to the club, and they were both met with some jabs from the doorman played by Craig Robinson. He told Leslie Mann’s character, “I can’t let you in cause you’re old as fu*k. For this club, you know, not for the earth.” That scene and those lines has stuck with me since I first saw that movie. I was young when I saw it and I thought that maybe he was right. Someone in their mid to late 30’s is too old for certain things and should certainly be further along in life then my 20-something year old self was still doing and struggling with. Fast forward 12 years later and I’m now the person who is too old for the club and possibly the earth. At least it feels that way as I embark on a young persons career path.

It’s not easy to be an ‘older’ creative who is embarking on a career change and life change. Everywhere you look you are the old chick in the club so to speak. The classes that I’m taking the crew that I’m working with are all a lot younger than myself. As an older millennial, I definitely see a lot of younger millennials making money off of social media as influencers; a term I’ve grown to hate. I love seeing an entrepreneurial spirit with the younger generation who aren’t satisfied with being an employee. But when you have worked most of your adult life, got the degrees and then you woke up in your mid/late 30’s wanting something different, today’s climate makes it seem like you are already washed up if you haven’t become a #boss by 30!

Success and the ideas around how to be successful have really changed.

I went the old school route of endless school and then get the corporate job. This path was once seen as a successful working life. With the student loan debt-crushing most of us in conjunction with low paying jobs many of us were offered after college, has ultimately prompted an entrepreneurial spirit out of necessity to just live in society. The business ownership pool has widened. What is so great about success post 2010 is how accessible it is for many people. If you need extra money and you have a decent 4-door car, you can start driving Uber or Lyft to make extra money. There are ways to do odd jobs with the help of various apps. While these activities will not get you rich, they do assist in making quick money. If you are working on an entrepreneurial endeavor but you’re short on cash, driving on the side can help further your goals.

My goals and dreams seem really far away and I know it’s a matter of perspective but having been brought up in the old model of going to school, get a job and the money will follow I have to now reprogram my thoughts into creating my goals in dreams since nothing happens without some sort of vibrational action. Positive thinking and adding to my skill sets to start up the positive momentum is all I’ve got right now. Now, while I do feel like the clock is ticking on my ever growing age and obtaining the success I desire before it’s too late, I’ve come to convince myself that age is only a barrier for those that make it and anyone questioning why someone is doing something at a certain age is just brainwashed by societies narrow definition of life and livelihoods. Dreams are ageless and continuing to pursue what sets our souls on fire has no limits.

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