I never expected to be here. I checked into the hospital Friday, May 15th after a pretty bad MRI reading. I had been dealing with severe back pain during the month of April 2020 which almost had me in the emergency room. It was in the middle of my back and excruciating. Nothing relieved it outside of some of my CBD/THC tincture but not enough to make me comfortable. Before that and during, I was experiencing some pretty severe headaches in March as well. During all of this, I also finally weaned my toddler from nursing and my hormones took a massive hit as a result. All of these compounding ailments transitioned to some fairly extreme nerve pain shooting all the way down my left arm and hand for many days at the end of April/ beginning of May. The nerve pain ceased and the numbness, tingling, stiffness, weakness, loss of finger control, coordination and pressure started to roll out which has left me in a position of feeling thankful it’s just one arm and hand affected and panicked I may never get full use of my left arm and hand again. I’m on a 5-day steroid treatment and healing very slowly right now. It’s truly terrifying but I refuse to properly mourn the loss of this function because I’m really focused on the next steps I need put in place to heal.

I am stronger than I think I am and I am allowed to have challenging moments and ask for help when I need it

Throughout this journey, there has been confusion, years of winning with no symptoms, health gains, health setbacks, emotional trauma, emotional healing, and a roller coaster of a lot of other life’s joys and pains. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2013 after years of weird and peculiar symptoms. Numb leg, torso, eye floaters, headaches, and eye dimming. It took years to get a definitive diagnosis but there was a catch. Shortly after diagnosis, I serendipitously met a dermatologist who recommended I see a functional medical practitioner she had heard of who does a deep dive into the root cause of illness as opposed to putting a bandaid on the problem like many traditional Western doctors are used to doing. With him, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. Lyme mimics MS and many other chronic illnesses. The Lyme protocol has kept me healthy and relapse-free since 2014.

I know that 2020 didn’t start the relapse that has put me in the hospital but it was the last straw that broke the camel’s back forcing me to address a slow-moving train heading off a cliff.

Things were going well for a while and I was thankful. Then new motherhood, relationships/friendship challenges, new work requirements, starting a business, taking classes, working on film projects, applying for a Master’s Program, caring for a precocious 2-year-old, who had his own health struggles with a few illnesses back to back at the beginning of the year along with his father, and now the era of COVID-19 and social distancing had started to put a strain on my whole body. My diet and exercise diminished after I gave birth and my priorities shifted. Not to mention the passing of so many people in such a rapid, often violent, and heartbreaking way. 2020 has been a gut punch that many of us never expected. I know that 2020 didn’t start the relapse that has put me in the hospital but it was the last straw that broke the camel’s back forcing me to address a slow-moving train heading off a cliff.

I spent so much wasted time angry at this mysterious Neurodegenerative disease that started affecting me as early as 2007 that I never addressed the emotional toll it was taking on me and my outlook. I focused so much on the diet, exercise, supplements, and other treatments and ignored some of the underlying mental health components that will never go away until fully addressed. Reflecting back, I’ve noticed there were some areas that I needed to pay particular attention to for my overall well-being and for a better disease outcome.

Below are some areas that I’ve struggled with and that I have to be committed to focusing on if I want to regain and maintain my health moving forward.

Moving forward my below health and overall wellness goals will be:

• Saying no! I’m supportive of everything that my family and friends do but I often say yes and participate in things that my body is screaming at me for later. I will not be able to continue that cycle of people-pleasing moving forward
• Listening to my body. I am my own healer
• I am stronger than I think I am and I am allowed to have challenging moments and ask for help when I need it
• Continuing to disengage in low-vibrational, toxic dialogue that ultimately moves nothing or no one in a positive direction
• Speaking up for myself is not necessarily an issue but it’s imperative I remind myself to do this sooner rather than later before resentments permeate and linger
• Reclaiming my time! I don’t put myself first anymore, understandably for moms with a family, but my tank gets too depleted and bubbles over and manifests into exhaustion and disease symptoms
• Be clear and concise about my needs and more responsive to others as well. Essentially work on communicating more effectively about my desire for space and self-care
• Get back to the strict diet but don’t beat myself up for slipping
• Schedule more facetime and calls with friends during the quarantine phase and after.
• Connect to my spirituality every day and never neglect that relationship
• Always remember to connect with my significant other in meaningful, positive, and loving ways
• No matter how hard things get never forget to continue to be my silly self
• Always set goals and be intentional on working on them daily
• Manage the expectations of others and myself
• Last but certainly not least, continue to connect with my little boy and remember to always focus on whimsy and wonder while guiding him through life and loving him unconditionally

This is not a comprehensive goal sheet as I type this with one hand and two moderately functional fingers on the other hand. I wanted to start my realignment process and remember where this journey began as a reminder of the unexpected setback during an unprecedented time. This 5-day hospital stay was a wake-up call that I didn’t want but I desperately needed it. I’ve worked out every day since I was admitted and worked on keeping my spirits high and my body strong.

Thank you for the healing prayers, therapeutic video calls, and amazing sound healing session. I’m not 100% by a long shot and I will have weeks/months of physical therapy, doctors’ appointments, and many trial and error protocols on my plate to deal with this disease. Without the commitment to our health we have virtually nothing to offer ourselves or anyone else. I hope this motivates whoever is reading this to kickstart all of the things that need to be addressed that you have been putting off and learn to focus on ourselves more so we can be better partners, better parents, and better in the world. 2020 has taught us that life is unexpected and we cannot put off doing what we need to do to thrive right now.

Tell me what you have reflected on during this quarantine period and how you want to improve yourself from this moment in time on?

The post How Did I End up Here? An unexpected Hospital Journey appeared first on Carefully Created Chaos.

The media uses our public pain to continuously show the world our capacity to withstand superhuman levels of physical and emotional trauma

I hope that I am never in the situation that so many black families find themselves in. The most recent family is the family of the murdered Botham Jean, who was killed by an off-duty cop in his own home in 2018. She tried to cover up her wrongdoing and is now convicted of murder and sentenced to 10 years of prison. It’s major because most police officers are never convicted of killing innocent black people. Botham’s brother, Brandt Jean, asked to hug the convicted killer, Amber Guyger and exclaimed that he forgave her and wished she didn’t have to serve jail time. The judge, a black woman, Tammy Kemp, also hugged the convicted killer. This happened to a convicted murderer after she was sentenced. This interaction, a judge hugging a black convicted killer, would never happen if the roles were reversed. There would probably be no trial because the black suspected murderer would’ve probably been killed at the scene. We truly have Stockholm Syndrome and it shows. The media uses our public pain to continuously show the world our capacity to withstand superhuman levels of physical and emotional trauma and we keep succumbing by giving them what they want tragedy after tragedy by forgiving groups who are not apologetic, disparage us via text message and kill us in our homes while eating ice cream.

Forgiveness is for yourself but doing so in a way that coddles the offender, absolving them from the opportunity to truly think about the consequences and ramifications of their actions is so dangerous and counterproductive to the equality so many black people claim to desperately want.

Black people are so used to receiving harsher jail sentences when we have made mistakes, we are used to receiving little to no compassion that when justice is actually served in our favor, we virtually apologize to the very people who are intent on destroying us. We are then expected to publicly forgive the people who put us in these situations in the first place. This expectation is something we put on ourselves because of religion and it has been a media narrative as if it is something black victims are supposed to do and this needs to stop.

We deserve to be treated with the same humanity that we too freely extend to those who repeatedly hurt us.

We have suffered through slavery, our children being ripped away from us, families torn apart, lynching, having our towns burned down by white mobs, income inequality, mass incarceration, institutional racism, and the lists go on and on but yet when faced with attacks, abuse and terrorism, we are expected to get over it and move on with little compassion from the masses. Forgiveness is for yourself but doing so in a way that coddles the offender, absolving them from the opportunity to truly think about the consequences and ramifications of their actions is so dangerous and counterproductive to the equality so many black people claim to desperately want. We deserve to be treated with the same humanity that we too freely extend to those who repeatedly hurt us.

Our sorrow and pain need to stop being commodified.

When we declare forgiveness over a white murderer who has taken our loved one, we are telling the world that this person, who has potentially done no internal work on their implicit biases, their bigotry, and/or outright hatred of black and brown people and the continual terrorism that has been inflicted upon us, is absolved of their wrongdoing and that we are disposable. Our forgiveness is pure but how it’s interpreted by those who don’t value us as weak and that is where my issues lie. Not everyone “deserves” us for a lack of a better phrase. I truly grew as a person when I had made mistakes with friends and family and wasn’t readily forgiven. Sometimes, it’s imperative to sit and live with the consequences of your actions especially a mistake as tragic as a killing.

Our public forgiveness sends a message that racist, hate-filled white people are free to walk into a black church, that welcomes all, shoot and kill 9 black people and you will have the opportunity to be taken into custody alive with fast food and a fair trial. This outward, public forgiveness is one of the reasons why this keeps happening. The consequence of killing us isn’t high. The mental and emotional labor seem to constantly fall on us. These types of people know that the punishment will not match the crime and they will have taken out their aggression on a people that will most likely passively extend a loving hand even after experiencing unimaginable immense emotional trauma. We don’t deserve this. No good person deserves this.

…we have to try and resist the urge of placating groups who consistently exhibit little to no remorse for hurting us and are empowered by receiving light sentences whilst destroying us and our families in the process.

Our sorrow and pain need to stop being commodified. We deserve to feel hurt, angry, mad and we need to demand and expect to have a private healing process. What if we were to say that we do not forgive our assailants? How would the narrative change about who we are as people? Why do we care? We are known for being welcoming but our kindness and our forgiveness have continuously being taken for weakness. We get to choose how we go about this process, but we need to internally remove the feeling of obligation that comes with public forgiveness. We do not owe the world anything. We don’t owe anybody anything especially the people who have created atrocities against us. We owe it to ourselves to work towards internal peace and to teach our children how to achieve this and focusing on our family’s overall healing and success, but we do not need to show the perpetrators anything externally.

We are a compassionate people. I am an overly sensitive and forgiving person, but we owe it to ourselves to remove the obligation of showing those who have shown no remorse public support. We need to stop extending our emotional labor on situations and people like the Amber Guyger’s of the world. We deserve private grieving and forgiveness. We deserve to be afforded the spectrum of human emotions everyone else is allowed to exhibit without recourse. What Brandt Jean did was possibly very healing during his personal grieving process and again, his decision to forgive Amber publicly was his choice, but we have to try and resist the urge of placating groups who consistently exhibit little to no remorse for hurting us and are empowered by receiving light sentences whilst destroying us and our families in the process.

The post Black Forgiveness appeared first on Carefully Created Chaos.

When will we realize that we matter to ourselves? When will we matter to each other? I read about a 19-year old, young black girl, Ta’Lela Stevenson, new mom of a newborn baby, that was killed by a 14-year old black girl who had been bullying Ta’Lela’s 14-year old sister. This young, troubled girl attempted to fight her younger sister and Ta’Lela intervened and was subsequently stabbed and killed. Now, her one-month-old daughter is without her mother. Ta’Lela’s newborn will forever feel a void not having her mother in her life and her family will have to live with the violence and anger that this misguided child has thrust upon them. This is how generational curses continue and prevail within the black communities. Some of us are broken and raising damaged children and we need to find a way to change the trajectory of the kids in our communities in our lives by healing our old wounds. Black girls hopes, dreams, feelings, lives matter!

Abandonment – Unloved – Abuse – Dreams Differed – Jealousy – Violence

We live in an angry society. America started in violence and it has always insidiously been lurking beneath the surface. Black people have endured massive amounts of violence and abuse and now generationally, many of us subconsciously and consciously, pass this down to our children, family, and communities and we need to become more aware of this pattern and work to stop it before it progresses.

How can we help ourselves, so we are effectively helping the generations after us?

While America justifies the mass shootings as a small subset of people who are mentally disturbed, many of us who have felt this country’s systemic violence physically and viscerally, know the feelings behind these shootings aren’t novel. They are as old as this country.

We have always been made to feel unwanted and a burden to a country that wanted to use and discard us. During slavery, black women weren’t able to properly care for and raise their own children and that historical fracture has created a lot of strained family dynamics. Mother’s unable to nourish and father’s unable to protect and 400+ year’s later we are in a continual state of crisis not of our own making. We are expected to accept responsibility for a cycle we didn’t create, cultivate and thrive on. Drive through any economically castrated area in the US and you see the current effects of the neglected and left behind.

Deep down, we know American will never atone for her sins so we have to decide that we want to heal and ascend to levels that we never dreamed of.

Reading the stories of Ta’Lela Stevenson, Raniya Wright, Kashala Francis, Amy Joyner-Francis and a multitude of other black girls who were bullied and killed by other black girls I couldn’t help but think of how long that anger festered in these girls until they finally exploded and decided to take out their feelings of abandonment, feelings of being unloved, abuse, feelings of dreams differed, feelings of jealousy and violence on their peers? Was this the first time they felt compelled to express their frustration violently or had there been a cycle of trauma all of their lives? Or, did they inherit a wave of subconscious dormant anger that so many black people have and if provoked finally exposes itself in unfathomable ways? The education system, the Justice System and our family’s generational pain have created some of the most hurt, abused, hopeless souls that find ways to snuff out any light in the world they see shining too brightly. This infuriates and pains me as a mother of a child I hope never encounters a soul this broken but devastated that so many of us walk around feeling this desperate.

We cannot allow any more children to grow up thinking they have no purpose and are completely unworthy of love. These feelings fester, turn into resentment and morphing into a rage with innocent people ending up at the receiving end of their destruction. We have to think of ways to shape the future, so we don’t continue this cycle of jealousy and violence our kids continuously go through while just trying to live their lives. If we don’t address our systemic traumatic issues, we will never move on from our past and remain in this low vibration so many of us are hovering in. I can’t stomach to see another beautiful, promising black life lost because we continue to walk around powder kegs of trauma unhealed.

Below are some simple transformative ways, we can implement now that may help us ascend past some of our emotional troubles.

Monitor destructive media consumption

Too often, I notice black people consuming negative media that only feeds a desire to watch and participate in more destructive media and behavior.

Reality shows, Certain types of Rap/Hip-Hop and Gossip social media sites

Low vibrational content is known to keep those in a mental state of shame, fear, apathy, pride, and anger. That is in the suffering range and on the opposite end of enlightenment. I’m not saying we need to completely get rid of guilty pleasures but we need to be completely conscious of what is going on in between our ears and what our eyes are processing because no medium is casual. We internalize many stimuli and need to be intentional about what our brain, heart, and soul feed on.

Daily Self Check-in

It’s important that we stop, assess how we’re feeling and write down our thoughts. Many of us mask our feelings with stuff. With shopping, scrolling, reality tv and other mindless activities. We do so much so we won’t have to address what is buried at the core of us. It’s important we find activities that make us stop and check in on ourselves. I do this by journaling in a phone app.

Invest in Spiritual teachings and practices

As black people, many of us have been taught to only turn to the word of god when going through a crisis or seeking personal growth help. It’s imperative that we utilize all healthy resources available to us in order to heal the areas in our lives that are causing us to remain miserable and stagnant. I have found peace while reading spiritual teachings of Abraham-Hicks, Eckart Tolle, Michael Alan Singer, to name a few. I’ve started to make a conscious effort to read spiritual teachings from black authors as well because it’s important to hear the voices of our people ringing in our minds as we cleanse our souls from the human gunk we’ve picked up along the way. More black people need to research that spirituality can help reconnect them to their inner core and thus helping them heal past the judgment and anguish so many have felt but have had no way to clear.

I’m a huge advocate of meditation and sound healing. Both provide the daily relaxation and mind-clearing needed to truly unburden yourself from excessive negative self-talk and judgment that some of us tend to do which fuels low vibrational emotions of envy and hatred that can cause a ripple effect of pain for many at the receiving end.

Consciously parent your children

I don’t want to read any more stories of black children bullying and killing each other and to stop this it’s up to parents to change how we treat and parent our children. Often times, parents push back when someone suggests that they need to do more in order to raise better humans because many feel like they are doing all that they can do. Sometimes it takes looking outside of what you have been doing and looking for different approaches to parent. Kids of all ages still want attention, boundaries, and affection. We have to learn how to accomplish this as their needs inevitably change. Our kids should see us positively loving ourselves and others. Our kids need to see us consuming healthy mediums and practicing small acts of self-care daily. Our spirituality and connection to ourselves should be a topic of discussion for the whole family. We should want to create such a mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically aligned space for ourselves that our kids will have no choice but to positively feed off of those things. We really have the power to heal ourselves and subsequently heal our children. That should be every parents’ goals.

The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself

Steve Maraboli

I’m interested in the overall health of the black community and we need to be so focused on our well-being that we become obsessed with helping ourselves, each other and more importantly our children. When I read stories about the abuse some of us have suffered and how that abuse creates more abuse, more abandonment, more struggles, and more death, I always think how can we stop this cycle before it infects the next generation. We owe it ourselves to heal. We owe it to God to take our lives and ourselves seriously and to live the best lives that we can while we are here. You don’t have to agree with every tip that I’m given but I hope you will find a positive way to affect change within your own life which will be a catalyst for the lives of your children and an overhaul of our communities.

The post Black Girls Matter appeared first on Carefully Created Chaos.

“The tragedy in life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.”

Benjamin Mays

Social media and its focus on perfect vacation shots, the influx of entrepreneurs and many people living the dream have the tendency to highlight the deficits within your own life. I have never wanted to have someone else’s life. I just want my talents to be revealed so I can pursue them! I’ve been discouraged by many people throughout my life. I’ve been flat out told I wasn’t good enough. I have been told that I should “downsize” my dreams or shift my focus to something easier because I wasn’t capable of my goals. Many dreams have been discouraged by others and it’s unfortunate. I truly believe in between all of the rubbish forced on our children in school, a course on goal setting, identifying your passions and talents would add so much meaning to so many people’s lives. I’m wise enough to know that this is not how our society is designed. If everyone was confident in their abilities and taught to relentlessly pursue their gifts that would leave the vast majority of the workforce hurting for folks to fill the large unskilled labor positions. It’s up to parents to ensure their children are taught these self-discovery lessons so our kids can make the most of their lives while they are here.

“Ask and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you.”

Matthew 7:7

I write these words not to remind myself of my own shortcomings or to feel victimized by society but as a starting place that I hope will lead me down the path, I have been so desperately searching for. I like my 9 to 5 job but I know my individual story is bigger than any job. My internal work is continuously so I’ve started incorporating some of the below tips to help me stay focused, find my voice and confidence along with re-centering what happiness is to me.

Closer to Purpose Fulfilled – Tips and Tricks

“Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment.”

Stephen Covey

Practicing daily gratefulness

Throughout my mental gymnastics, I’ve always remained grateful and thankful. Just keeping that in my heart has allowed me to experience daily miracles. I usually speak how thankful I am when I get home and how grateful I am before bed and when I wake. This keeps me grounded and the self-induced pressure I place on myself into perspective.

Set-up daily affirmation notifications

Daily affirmations bring me out of my head and remind me to relax, take a deep breath and that I’m still here, continuing this journey with abundant opportunities. I use the motivation app which sends me quotes throughout the day which help me stay focused, cause me to pause and shift my thinking throughout the day.

Daily Self-Checks

The Day One and Daylio apps are simple to use and have been beneficial for me when I use them daily. The Day One app is a journaling app that is very simple to use and allows you to use pictures or the text box in order to express your current mental and emotional state. I like writing in a physical journal, rather than a phone app, but the journaling apps have become my new favorite mental health tools because of their accessibility and ease of use. My therapist has me tracking my moods so I can make the necessary changes to help my overall well-being and professional goal-setting. When my mood is off everything is off and writing has always been therapeutic for me!

The Daylio app sends you reminders for you to quickly check-in with yourself and select from the simple pictures that allow you to assess your current mood. There are goals and algorithms within the app that allow you to see a snapshot of where your mood has been throughout the week.

Get moving

I used to be an avid exerciser and with a busier work schedule and raising a toddler, my workouts have gotten shorter, but I still walk quite often. I love summer because I love being outside. During the summer months, I take every opportunity to be outside walking or playing with my son. You naturally feel better when you switch up your routine and get moving! The much needed natural Vitamin D is also a plus.

Just get to work

Starting a project terribly is better than not starting a project at all! I oftentimes get stuck on how to achieve the several goals I have for myself and also really homing in on what I love, what I’m good at and what I have a passion for. Every successful person says the best way to get to where you want to be is to keep working on things that speak to your soul. By keeping yourself busy in spaces that crank up your creativity and ignite your passions, you will eventually be lead to the place your heart has been longing for. I’m getting closer, I can feel it.

Meditation

Meditating is a must for me and I try to work in a few minutes of quiet time each day. If you are an overthinker like me, taking time to quiet your mind, reconnect with your source usually helps better prepare for the day. I prefer to meditate in the morning but finding the best time to accomplish this with an early rising 2-year-old has been quite a challenge. I tend to have more time and night and this ritual helps me sleep better. Start with short meditations to get acclimated to the meditation practice and then work up to longer meditations.

I’m using these techniques every day/week and they are helping clear my mental clutter and aiding to get me closer down my desired path. It’s important to clear your mind so you can access those recesses of your brain that are often too clogged to help with your creativity connection. I’d like to turn the Purpose Unfilled into a series that shows my progress and hopefully the progress of others who might relate to my struggles. I hope to eventually turn this into the Purpose Fulfilled series where we are actively working on dreams and goals and managing our stressors at the same time.

Please add your tips below that you are using to reveal your gifts, find your passions, and ultimately calm your nerves in the process!

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The post The Stream of Consciousness appeared first on Carefully Created Chaos.

It has come up, directly and indirectly, how lucky and fortunate I was to grow up in a stable two-parent household. I have felt and continue to feel incredibly blessed to have had the upbringing that I had and the close relationship that I still have with my parents. I know that my life, was ideal and not entirely the norm, and for that I am grateful but saddened that it wasn’t the norm. Most people say they want to give their kids the life that they didn’t have. Parents want their kids to have a better education, a better home and a healthier life then the life that they may have had but often times those same people belittle and disrespect adults who came from those same backgrounds they want their kids to have. Our struggles and opinions are often invalid to many people who had harsher upbringings.

I’m sad that having two stable parents, who were both active in all of their kids lives, is atypical of the black experience. It’s sad that my pains and struggles get overlooked because I didn’t grow up with dysfunction and abuse. I wish no one grew up with dysfunction and abuse because our communities would be thriving if we truly addressed those systemic issues that so many of us choose to ignore. Within my own extended family there is dysfunction and I’ve seen how that affects everyone around.

As black people, we hold so much value on the negative aspects of our culture. We cling and hold onto the abuse we suffered because it makes us “tougher.” We view fatherlessness or motherlessness as the aspect of our upbringing that helped us to “grow up” and depend on ourselves. I understand that terrible situations can catapult us into success stories. I know drive and determination to get out of unsavory circumstances can be a major motivator for many. I understand that belittling the experience of a “privileged person” is a defense mechanism. I know it’s a way to discredit our human struggles. As a black community we need to dismantle our praise for the unfortunate negative experiences that so many of us are subjugated to while we are growing up. These same circumstances are often shared experiences we use to bond with each other. We bond over the negative because for a whole lot of us, the negative was inherited and clinging to it was the only way to survive. Obviously, not all of us grew up in turmoil but generationally we have all been touched with unfortunate circumstances that have affected our behaviors and emotions.

Having a stable upbringing didn’t absolve me from other traumas and pain. It didn’t absolve me from the very real racism I’ve faced throughout my life. It certainly didn’t make me better than anyone. What having two functional and happy parents did, was make it less likely that I would make detrimental mistakes that may severely impact my future. It helped with making better decisions about dating prospects. It helped me have more confidence in areas in my life that may have been reserved for “certain types” of people but I had the parental support to pursue anything I wanted and to shine all of my black girl magic. It gave me a perspective of humanity that many people who were raised on survival may have missed. It may have taken me years to truly understand this but I truly knew that there was enough money, love, affection, attention in the world for everyone to have if they so desired. What happens to us as children truly does shape the rest of our lives. We have to undo so many things that took place when we were in our formative years. I just hope that those undoing their own traumas see that no child deserves abuse or neglect and it’s never the fault of the kid if this was their norm. Most of my thinking, as an adult, even through pain and unfortunate circumstances, is that there is enough of everything for everyone. If our community truly understood that amplifying the good always attracts more good, we could truly transform our lives and revolutionize our families. My mind was never on scarcity because I rarely went without the basics growing up. We weren’t rich but I never went to bed hungry. I was always told I was loved by both of my parents. I received affection from both parents and I was encouraged by both of my parents. Those basic elements solidified that life could be expansive for me along with everybody else. Often, when you are raised on survival, those basic elements may not be learned until later on once healing has occurred. There is a scarcity mindset with many of us because resources were in fact scarce. When you are raised on love, your outlook and prospects on life are just different.

I wish we would bond with each other over healing past traumas, growing in our emotional, mental intelligence. I wish we would bond with each other to help each of us get physically healthier, grow in ways that we never knew were possible instead of bonding over mental, emotional and physical wounds. I’m sincerely tired of the black folks within and outside of my life battling each other because of fresh and unhealed wounds. While my personal example of how I was treated for being black and having a supportive family is rather benign, there are countless other ways in which black folks do so much damage to each other in the name of spiritual brokenness. We need to be more compassionate to each other. We need each other. Truly helping each other would transform worlds.

A lot of what I talk about in my work is not looking towards the destruction that white supremacy has caused within our community on a continual basis. These well researched and verified facts can be read and will confirm that we have been placed in positions that placed many of us so far behind other races it’s deplorable. My goal as a fiancé, mother, as a friend, as a writer and a creative, is to highlight ways we can make our lives as black people more positive and fulfilling while we are on this earth. And I hope we can see each other as less of a threat and an enemy and extend grace and support to each other. As someone who is doing the best that I can with the cards that have been dealt, I hope to inspire some to do the same and more.

This topic is important to me so I hope to expand upon this free writing topic in future posts.

The post Raised on love not Survival appeared first on Carefully Created Chaos.

I’ve been working on this blog, working on my social media presence, taking videography technique courses and working on my business goals. Some days I’m completely clear about the direction I am going in and other days I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. The thoughts of my capabilities are always lingering in the forefront of my brain. I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life undoing the negative thinking of my childhood and young adulthood. I know that I will always be in the learning phase and mastery is a bit of an illusion. Yes, we will grow to dominate certain fields with intensive study and constant training but learning never truly ends; thus, mastery seems like a destination to a process that is ever evolving.

The radio show talks to Millennials who are venturing out with their own businesses while maintaining their 9-5 jobs. It made sense for me to add my story and my perspective because its valuable like everyone else’s. Reminding myself that I have value to add to the world is as much of an inside job as it is an external job. By external I mean that the external projects that I work on, from beginning to end, have value even if my projects never see the light of day. I cared enough to put my energy and love into them to bring them to fruition. That has value. I have insights on life and business that are unique. I’m working and I’m building and I’m blessed to know that all of this, the anxiety from my past, the anger from the racial biases, the wins the losses were all part of the plan that keeps propelling me forward. That cocktail of trauma, love, self-doubt, once realized, has made these new ventures so thrilling and I’m proud that I was able to tell my story on District Creative radio Show and I’m so thankful for the opportunity.

For more details visit The District Creatives website below.
https://dcradio.gov/programming/thedistrictcreatives/

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The first week of counseling, I realized I was completely disconnected from who I truly am. I went through a very jarring transition as a stay at home/work from home mom the first year. My experience isn’t uncommon but it was new and terrifying for me. I felt like I was lost in sea of sleepless nights, breastfeeding, breast milk blowout diapers and not achieving a damn thing in the process. Yes, you read that right, I felt like not only was I new mom but I was a new mom who hadn’t done much (In my brain) and now I have a little peanut looking up to me and my accomplishments. Although, I was working on my goals through classes and editing projects, pro bono while pregnant or with a newborn, I didn’t feel like I was at the stage of my career I should have been in. I had to look in the mirror and examine why I felt so low about myself. Why was I constantly comparing myself to peers? Was social media to blame or was I just not talented? These are just a few of the personal areas I’m working on and I hope to get a hold of. I know that I have the power to control these limiting beliefs about myself but somehow; I lost the ability to love myself unconditionally. This, like everything else, is a journey I will forever be on.

I feel like in the last few weeks I’ve gained some valuable insights about life and the journey we are all on. Our purpose to learn from each experience, good or bad, and accept that everything has a divine purpose and its best to not dwell on the situations that have disappointed us. That’s not always easy to do because our society has created a checks and balances journey competition we all seem to be on with each other which just makes most of us insecure and some of us crazy. We owe ourselves the opportunity to experience life with wonder, exhilaration and sit in the pain when we need to. We need to learn to give each other and ourselves more compassion. The machine of capitalism has taken a mental toll on so many of us and its high time we disconnect and reflect and seek help to do so if need be. We all deserve more happiness.

There is more growth to come.

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It’s not easy to be an ‘older’ creative who is embarking on a career change and life change. Everywhere you look you are the old chick in the club so to speak. The classes that I’m taking the crew that I’m working with are all a lot younger than myself. As an older millennial, I definitely see a lot of younger millennials making money off of social media as influencers; a term I’ve grown to hate. I love seeing an entrepreneurial spirit with the younger generation who aren’t satisfied with being an employee. But when you have worked most of your adult life, got the degrees and then you woke up in your mid/late 30’s wanting something different, today’s climate makes it seem like you are already washed up if you haven’t become a #boss by 30!

Success and the ideas around how to be successful have really changed.

I went the old school route of endless school and then get the corporate job. This path was once seen as a successful working life. With the student loan debt-crushing most of us in conjunction with low paying jobs many of us were offered after college, has ultimately prompted an entrepreneurial spirit out of necessity to just live in society. The business ownership pool has widened. What is so great about success post 2010 is how accessible it is for many people. If you need extra money and you have a decent 4-door car, you can start driving Uber or Lyft to make extra money. There are ways to do odd jobs with the help of various apps. While these activities will not get you rich, they do assist in making quick money. If you are working on an entrepreneurial endeavor but you’re short on cash, driving on the side can help further your goals.

My goals and dreams seem really far away and I know it’s a matter of perspective but having been brought up in the old model of going to school, get a job and the money will follow I have to now reprogram my thoughts into creating my goals in dreams since nothing happens without some sort of vibrational action. Positive thinking and adding to my skill sets to start up the positive momentum is all I’ve got right now. Now, while I do feel like the clock is ticking on my ever growing age and obtaining the success I desire before it’s too late, I’ve come to convince myself that age is only a barrier for those that make it and anyone questioning why someone is doing something at a certain age is just brainwashed by societies narrow definition of life and livelihoods. Dreams are ageless and continuing to pursue what sets our souls on fire has no limits.

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I always found solace being unattached, single, or relationship adjacent (I describe this as a pseudo relationship with some of the activities but zero commitment). Relationships always seemed daunting, cumbersome and something my early 80’s born and later associates have notoriously struggled with. With the information age has come technologies that have all but erased intimacy in personal relationships. We can text a few words to set up a date, dodge someone we aren’t interested in by ghosting them and we can fumble at getting to know people via a text exchange all while being lazy and using shorthand.

We have become conditioned to live on a superficial frequency. Everything we want from images to food (Ubereats anyone?) has become instantaneous and real relationships are anything but quick! The building of a relationship is a journey much like our individual life paths. So many of us have become accustomed to seeing the perfectly filtered lives of individuals and couples whose lives we admire forgetting a picture only shows a fraction of the story.

What I’m learning is when you’re in a relationship with someone you are really in a relationship with yourself.

Lots of the relationships I was in ended up crashing and burning because I expected them too. If we spent more time modifying ourselves there would be more successful relationships. It really does take a person connected with themselves to ‘unsuck’ at relationships. And this concept, along with anything you are good at in life or working on in life is and will always be a personal growth process. This process of engaging with oneself and healthily reflecting on how one can grow and modify will ultimately help every type of interpersonal connections we want to have and sustain. I care about improving and strengthening areas I’m not satisfied with. One of those areas is I’m not happy with the majority of my relationships. This has been a trigger area for me since I was little girl. Part of “unsucking” is getting to the root cause of the sore spot and working towards addressing unhealthy patterns to hopefully have more pleasant outcomes. More to come on the ah ha moments I hope to gain during my self exploration.

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