The media uses our public pain to continuously show the world our capacity to withstand superhuman levels of physical and emotional trauma

I hope that I am never in the situation that so many black families find themselves in. The most recent family is the family of the murdered Botham Jean, who was killed by an off-duty cop in his own home in 2018. She tried to cover up her wrongdoing and is now convicted of murder and sentenced to 10 years of prison. It’s major because most police officers are never convicted of killing innocent black people. Botham’s brother, Brandt Jean, asked to hug the convicted killer, Amber Guyger and exclaimed that he forgave her and wished she didn’t have to serve jail time. The judge, a black woman, Tammy Kemp, also hugged the convicted killer. This happened to a convicted murderer after she was sentenced. This interaction, a judge hugging a black convicted killer, would never happen if the roles were reversed. There would probably be no trial because the black suspected murderer would’ve probably been killed at the scene. We truly have Stockholm Syndrome and it shows. The media uses our public pain to continuously show the world our capacity to withstand superhuman levels of physical and emotional trauma and we keep succumbing by giving them what they want tragedy after tragedy by forgiving groups who are not apologetic, disparage us via text message and kill us in our homes while eating ice cream.

Forgiveness is for yourself but doing so in a way that coddles the offender, absolving them from the opportunity to truly think about the consequences and ramifications of their actions is so dangerous and counterproductive to the equality so many black people claim to desperately want.

Black people are so used to receiving harsher jail sentences when we have made mistakes, we are used to receiving little to no compassion that when justice is actually served in our favor, we virtually apologize to the very people who are intent on destroying us. We are then expected to publicly forgive the people who put us in these situations in the first place. This expectation is something we put on ourselves because of religion and it has been a media narrative as if it is something black victims are supposed to do and this needs to stop.

We deserve to be treated with the same humanity that we too freely extend to those who repeatedly hurt us.

We have suffered through slavery, our children being ripped away from us, families torn apart, lynching, having our towns burned down by white mobs, income inequality, mass incarceration, institutional racism, and the lists go on and on but yet when faced with attacks, abuse and terrorism, we are expected to get over it and move on with little compassion from the masses. Forgiveness is for yourself but doing so in a way that coddles the offender, absolving them from the opportunity to truly think about the consequences and ramifications of their actions is so dangerous and counterproductive to the equality so many black people claim to desperately want. We deserve to be treated with the same humanity that we too freely extend to those who repeatedly hurt us.

Our sorrow and pain need to stop being commodified.

When we declare forgiveness over a white murderer who has taken our loved one, we are telling the world that this person, who has potentially done no internal work on their implicit biases, their bigotry, and/or outright hatred of black and brown people and the continual terrorism that has been inflicted upon us, is absolved of their wrongdoing and that we are disposable. Our forgiveness is pure but how it’s interpreted by those who don’t value us as weak and that is where my issues lie. Not everyone “deserves” us for a lack of a better phrase. I truly grew as a person when I had made mistakes with friends and family and wasn’t readily forgiven. Sometimes, it’s imperative to sit and live with the consequences of your actions especially a mistake as tragic as a killing.

Our public forgiveness sends a message that racist, hate-filled white people are free to walk into a black church, that welcomes all, shoot and kill 9 black people and you will have the opportunity to be taken into custody alive with fast food and a fair trial. This outward, public forgiveness is one of the reasons why this keeps happening. The consequence of killing us isn’t high. The mental and emotional labor seem to constantly fall on us. These types of people know that the punishment will not match the crime and they will have taken out their aggression on a people that will most likely passively extend a loving hand even after experiencing unimaginable immense emotional trauma. We don’t deserve this. No good person deserves this.

…we have to try and resist the urge of placating groups who consistently exhibit little to no remorse for hurting us and are empowered by receiving light sentences whilst destroying us and our families in the process.

Our sorrow and pain need to stop being commodified. We deserve to feel hurt, angry, mad and we need to demand and expect to have a private healing process. What if we were to say that we do not forgive our assailants? How would the narrative change about who we are as people? Why do we care? We are known for being welcoming but our kindness and our forgiveness have continuously being taken for weakness. We get to choose how we go about this process, but we need to internally remove the feeling of obligation that comes with public forgiveness. We do not owe the world anything. We don’t owe anybody anything especially the people who have created atrocities against us. We owe it to ourselves to work towards internal peace and to teach our children how to achieve this and focusing on our family’s overall healing and success, but we do not need to show the perpetrators anything externally.

We are a compassionate people. I am an overly sensitive and forgiving person, but we owe it to ourselves to remove the obligation of showing those who have shown no remorse public support. We need to stop extending our emotional labor on situations and people like the Amber Guyger’s of the world. We deserve private grieving and forgiveness. We deserve to be afforded the spectrum of human emotions everyone else is allowed to exhibit without recourse. What Brandt Jean did was possibly very healing during his personal grieving process and again, his decision to forgive Amber publicly was his choice, but we have to try and resist the urge of placating groups who consistently exhibit little to no remorse for hurting us and are empowered by receiving light sentences whilst destroying us and our families in the process.

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When will we realize that we matter to ourselves? When will we matter to each other? I read about a 19-year old, young black girl, Ta’Lela Stevenson, new mom of a newborn baby, that was killed by a 14-year old black girl who had been bullying Ta’Lela’s 14-year old sister. This young, troubled girl attempted to fight her younger sister and Ta’Lela intervened and was subsequently stabbed and killed. Now, her one-month-old daughter is without her mother. Ta’Lela’s newborn will forever feel a void not having her mother in her life and her family will have to live with the violence and anger that this misguided child has thrust upon them. This is how generational curses continue and prevail within the black communities. Some of us are broken and raising damaged children and we need to find a way to change the trajectory of the kids in our communities in our lives by healing our old wounds. Black girls hopes, dreams, feelings, lives matter!

Abandonment – Unloved – Abuse – Dreams Differed – Jealousy – Violence

We live in an angry society. America started in violence and it has always insidiously been lurking beneath the surface. Black people have endured massive amounts of violence and abuse and now generationally, many of us subconsciously and consciously, pass this down to our children, family, and communities and we need to become more aware of this pattern and work to stop it before it progresses.

How can we help ourselves, so we are effectively helping the generations after us?

While America justifies the mass shootings as a small subset of people who are mentally disturbed, many of us who have felt this country’s systemic violence physically and viscerally, know the feelings behind these shootings aren’t novel. They are as old as this country.

We have always been made to feel unwanted and a burden to a country that wanted to use and discard us. During slavery, black women weren’t able to properly care for and raise their own children and that historical fracture has created a lot of strained family dynamics. Mother’s unable to nourish and father’s unable to protect and 400+ year’s later we are in a continual state of crisis not of our own making. We are expected to accept responsibility for a cycle we didn’t create, cultivate and thrive on. Drive through any economically castrated area in the US and you see the current effects of the neglected and left behind.

Deep down, we know American will never atone for her sins so we have to decide that we want to heal and ascend to levels that we never dreamed of.

Reading the stories of Ta’Lela Stevenson, Raniya Wright, Kashala Francis, Amy Joyner-Francis and a multitude of other black girls who were bullied and killed by other black girls I couldn’t help but think of how long that anger festered in these girls until they finally exploded and decided to take out their feelings of abandonment, feelings of being unloved, abuse, feelings of dreams differed, feelings of jealousy and violence on their peers? Was this the first time they felt compelled to express their frustration violently or had there been a cycle of trauma all of their lives? Or, did they inherit a wave of subconscious dormant anger that so many black people have and if provoked finally exposes itself in unfathomable ways? The education system, the Justice System and our family’s generational pain have created some of the most hurt, abused, hopeless souls that find ways to snuff out any light in the world they see shining too brightly. This infuriates and pains me as a mother of a child I hope never encounters a soul this broken but devastated that so many of us walk around feeling this desperate.

We cannot allow any more children to grow up thinking they have no purpose and are completely unworthy of love. These feelings fester, turn into resentment and morphing into a rage with innocent people ending up at the receiving end of their destruction. We have to think of ways to shape the future, so we don’t continue this cycle of jealousy and violence our kids continuously go through while just trying to live their lives. If we don’t address our systemic traumatic issues, we will never move on from our past and remain in this low vibration so many of us are hovering in. I can’t stomach to see another beautiful, promising black life lost because we continue to walk around powder kegs of trauma unhealed.

Below are some simple transformative ways, we can implement now that may help us ascend past some of our emotional troubles.

Monitor destructive media consumption

Too often, I notice black people consuming negative media that only feeds a desire to watch and participate in more destructive media and behavior.

Reality shows, Certain types of Rap/Hip-Hop and Gossip social media sites

Low vibrational content is known to keep those in a mental state of shame, fear, apathy, pride, and anger. That is in the suffering range and on the opposite end of enlightenment. I’m not saying we need to completely get rid of guilty pleasures but we need to be completely conscious of what is going on in between our ears and what our eyes are processing because no medium is casual. We internalize many stimuli and need to be intentional about what our brain, heart, and soul feed on.

Daily Self Check-in

It’s important that we stop, assess how we’re feeling and write down our thoughts. Many of us mask our feelings with stuff. With shopping, scrolling, reality tv and other mindless activities. We do so much so we won’t have to address what is buried at the core of us. It’s important we find activities that make us stop and check in on ourselves. I do this by journaling in a phone app.

Invest in Spiritual teachings and practices

As black people, many of us have been taught to only turn to the word of god when going through a crisis or seeking personal growth help. It’s imperative that we utilize all healthy resources available to us in order to heal the areas in our lives that are causing us to remain miserable and stagnant. I have found peace while reading spiritual teachings of Abraham-Hicks, Eckart Tolle, Michael Alan Singer, to name a few. I’ve started to make a conscious effort to read spiritual teachings from black authors as well because it’s important to hear the voices of our people ringing in our minds as we cleanse our souls from the human gunk we’ve picked up along the way. More black people need to research that spirituality can help reconnect them to their inner core and thus helping them heal past the judgment and anguish so many have felt but have had no way to clear.

I’m a huge advocate of meditation and sound healing. Both provide the daily relaxation and mind-clearing needed to truly unburden yourself from excessive negative self-talk and judgment that some of us tend to do which fuels low vibrational emotions of envy and hatred that can cause a ripple effect of pain for many at the receiving end.

Consciously parent your children

I don’t want to read any more stories of black children bullying and killing each other and to stop this it’s up to parents to change how we treat and parent our children. Often times, parents push back when someone suggests that they need to do more in order to raise better humans because many feel like they are doing all that they can do. Sometimes it takes looking outside of what you have been doing and looking for different approaches to parent. Kids of all ages still want attention, boundaries, and affection. We have to learn how to accomplish this as their needs inevitably change. Our kids should see us positively loving ourselves and others. Our kids need to see us consuming healthy mediums and practicing small acts of self-care daily. Our spirituality and connection to ourselves should be a topic of discussion for the whole family. We should want to create such a mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically aligned space for ourselves that our kids will have no choice but to positively feed off of those things. We really have the power to heal ourselves and subsequently heal our children. That should be every parents’ goals.

The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself

Steve Maraboli

I’m interested in the overall health of the black community and we need to be so focused on our well-being that we become obsessed with helping ourselves, each other and more importantly our children. When I read stories about the abuse some of us have suffered and how that abuse creates more abuse, more abandonment, more struggles, and more death, I always think how can we stop this cycle before it infects the next generation. We owe it ourselves to heal. We owe it to God to take our lives and ourselves seriously and to live the best lives that we can while we are here. You don’t have to agree with every tip that I’m given but I hope you will find a positive way to affect change within your own life which will be a catalyst for the lives of your children and an overhaul of our communities.

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