I never expected to be here. I checked into the hospital Friday, May 15th after a pretty bad MRI reading. I had been dealing with severe back pain during the month of April 2020 which almost had me in the emergency room. It was in the middle of my back and excruciating. Nothing relieved it outside of some of my CBD/THC tincture but not enough to make me comfortable. Before that and during, I was experiencing some pretty severe headaches in March as well. During all of this, I also finally weaned my toddler from nursing and my hormones took a massive hit as a result. All of these compounding ailments transitioned to some fairly extreme nerve pain shooting all the way down my left arm and hand for many days at the end of April/ beginning of May. The nerve pain ceased and the numbness, tingling, stiffness, weakness, loss of finger control, coordination and pressure started to roll out which has left me in a position of feeling thankful it’s just one arm and hand affected and panicked I may never get full use of my left arm and hand again. I’m on a 5-day steroid treatment and healing very slowly right now. It’s truly terrifying but I refuse to properly mourn the loss of this function because I’m really focused on the next steps I need put in place to heal.

I am stronger than I think I am and I am allowed to have challenging moments and ask for help when I need it

Throughout this journey, there has been confusion, years of winning with no symptoms, health gains, health setbacks, emotional trauma, emotional healing, and a roller coaster of a lot of other life’s joys and pains. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2013 after years of weird and peculiar symptoms. Numb leg, torso, eye floaters, headaches, and eye dimming. It took years to get a definitive diagnosis but there was a catch. Shortly after diagnosis, I serendipitously met a dermatologist who recommended I see a functional medical practitioner she had heard of who does a deep dive into the root cause of illness as opposed to putting a bandaid on the problem like many traditional Western doctors are used to doing. With him, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. Lyme mimics MS and many other chronic illnesses. The Lyme protocol has kept me healthy and relapse-free since 2014.

I know that 2020 didn’t start the relapse that has put me in the hospital but it was the last straw that broke the camel’s back forcing me to address a slow-moving train heading off a cliff.

Things were going well for a while and I was thankful. Then new motherhood, relationships/friendship challenges, new work requirements, starting a business, taking classes, working on film projects, applying for a Master’s Program, caring for a precocious 2-year-old, who had his own health struggles with a few illnesses back to back at the beginning of the year along with his father, and now the era of COVID-19 and social distancing had started to put a strain on my whole body. My diet and exercise diminished after I gave birth and my priorities shifted. Not to mention the passing of so many people in such a rapid, often violent, and heartbreaking way. 2020 has been a gut punch that many of us never expected. I know that 2020 didn’t start the relapse that has put me in the hospital but it was the last straw that broke the camel’s back forcing me to address a slow-moving train heading off a cliff.

I spent so much wasted time angry at this mysterious Neurodegenerative disease that started affecting me as early as 2007 that I never addressed the emotional toll it was taking on me and my outlook. I focused so much on the diet, exercise, supplements, and other treatments and ignored some of the underlying mental health components that will never go away until fully addressed. Reflecting back, I’ve noticed there were some areas that I needed to pay particular attention to for my overall well-being and for a better disease outcome.

Below are some areas that I’ve struggled with and that I have to be committed to focusing on if I want to regain and maintain my health moving forward.

Moving forward my below health and overall wellness goals will be:

• Saying no! I’m supportive of everything that my family and friends do but I often say yes and participate in things that my body is screaming at me for later. I will not be able to continue that cycle of people-pleasing moving forward
• Listening to my body. I am my own healer
• I am stronger than I think I am and I am allowed to have challenging moments and ask for help when I need it
• Continuing to disengage in low-vibrational, toxic dialogue that ultimately moves nothing or no one in a positive direction
• Speaking up for myself is not necessarily an issue but it’s imperative I remind myself to do this sooner rather than later before resentments permeate and linger
• Reclaiming my time! I don’t put myself first anymore, understandably for moms with a family, but my tank gets too depleted and bubbles over and manifests into exhaustion and disease symptoms
• Be clear and concise about my needs and more responsive to others as well. Essentially work on communicating more effectively about my desire for space and self-care
• Get back to the strict diet but don’t beat myself up for slipping
• Schedule more facetime and calls with friends during the quarantine phase and after.
• Connect to my spirituality every day and never neglect that relationship
• Always remember to connect with my significant other in meaningful, positive, and loving ways
• No matter how hard things get never forget to continue to be my silly self
• Always set goals and be intentional on working on them daily
• Manage the expectations of others and myself
• Last but certainly not least, continue to connect with my little boy and remember to always focus on whimsy and wonder while guiding him through life and loving him unconditionally

This is not a comprehensive goal sheet as I type this with one hand and two moderately functional fingers on the other hand. I wanted to start my realignment process and remember where this journey began as a reminder of the unexpected setback during an unprecedented time. This 5-day hospital stay was a wake-up call that I didn’t want but I desperately needed it. I’ve worked out every day since I was admitted and worked on keeping my spirits high and my body strong.

Thank you for the healing prayers, therapeutic video calls, and amazing sound healing session. I’m not 100% by a long shot and I will have weeks/months of physical therapy, doctors’ appointments, and many trial and error protocols on my plate to deal with this disease. Without the commitment to our health we have virtually nothing to offer ourselves or anyone else. I hope this motivates whoever is reading this to kickstart all of the things that need to be addressed that you have been putting off and learn to focus on ourselves more so we can be better partners, better parents, and better in the world. 2020 has taught us that life is unexpected and we cannot put off doing what we need to do to thrive right now.

Tell me what you have reflected on during this quarantine period and how you want to improve yourself from this moment in time on?

The post How Did I End up Here? An unexpected Hospital Journey appeared first on Carefully Created Chaos.

It has come up, directly and indirectly, how lucky and fortunate I was to grow up in a stable two-parent household. I have felt and continue to feel incredibly blessed to have had the upbringing that I had and the close relationship that I still have with my parents. I know that my life, was ideal and not entirely the norm, and for that I am grateful but saddened that it wasn’t the norm. Most people say they want to give their kids the life that they didn’t have. Parents want their kids to have a better education, a better home and a healthier life then the life that they may have had but often times those same people belittle and disrespect adults who came from those same backgrounds they want their kids to have. Our struggles and opinions are often invalid to many people who had harsher upbringings.

I’m sad that having two stable parents, who were both active in all of their kids lives, is atypical of the black experience. It’s sad that my pains and struggles get overlooked because I didn’t grow up with dysfunction and abuse. I wish no one grew up with dysfunction and abuse because our communities would be thriving if we truly addressed those systemic issues that so many of us choose to ignore. Within my own extended family there is dysfunction and I’ve seen how that affects everyone around.

As black people, we hold so much value on the negative aspects of our culture. We cling and hold onto the abuse we suffered because it makes us “tougher.” We view fatherlessness or motherlessness as the aspect of our upbringing that helped us to “grow up” and depend on ourselves. I understand that terrible situations can catapult us into success stories. I know drive and determination to get out of unsavory circumstances can be a major motivator for many. I understand that belittling the experience of a “privileged person” is a defense mechanism. I know it’s a way to discredit our human struggles. As a black community we need to dismantle our praise for the unfortunate negative experiences that so many of us are subjugated to while we are growing up. These same circumstances are often shared experiences we use to bond with each other. We bond over the negative because for a whole lot of us, the negative was inherited and clinging to it was the only way to survive. Obviously, not all of us grew up in turmoil but generationally we have all been touched with unfortunate circumstances that have affected our behaviors and emotions.

Having a stable upbringing didn’t absolve me from other traumas and pain. It didn’t absolve me from the very real racism I’ve faced throughout my life. It certainly didn’t make me better than anyone. What having two functional and happy parents did, was make it less likely that I would make detrimental mistakes that may severely impact my future. It helped with making better decisions about dating prospects. It helped me have more confidence in areas in my life that may have been reserved for “certain types” of people but I had the parental support to pursue anything I wanted and to shine all of my black girl magic. It gave me a perspective of humanity that many people who were raised on survival may have missed. It may have taken me years to truly understand this but I truly knew that there was enough money, love, affection, attention in the world for everyone to have if they so desired. What happens to us as children truly does shape the rest of our lives. We have to undo so many things that took place when we were in our formative years. I just hope that those undoing their own traumas see that no child deserves abuse or neglect and it’s never the fault of the kid if this was their norm. Most of my thinking, as an adult, even through pain and unfortunate circumstances, is that there is enough of everything for everyone. If our community truly understood that amplifying the good always attracts more good, we could truly transform our lives and revolutionize our families. My mind was never on scarcity because I rarely went without the basics growing up. We weren’t rich but I never went to bed hungry. I was always told I was loved by both of my parents. I received affection from both parents and I was encouraged by both of my parents. Those basic elements solidified that life could be expansive for me along with everybody else. Often, when you are raised on survival, those basic elements may not be learned until later on once healing has occurred. There is a scarcity mindset with many of us because resources were in fact scarce. When you are raised on love, your outlook and prospects on life are just different.

I wish we would bond with each other over healing past traumas, growing in our emotional, mental intelligence. I wish we would bond with each other to help each of us get physically healthier, grow in ways that we never knew were possible instead of bonding over mental, emotional and physical wounds. I’m sincerely tired of the black folks within and outside of my life battling each other because of fresh and unhealed wounds. While my personal example of how I was treated for being black and having a supportive family is rather benign, there are countless other ways in which black folks do so much damage to each other in the name of spiritual brokenness. We need to be more compassionate to each other. We need each other. Truly helping each other would transform worlds.

A lot of what I talk about in my work is not looking towards the destruction that white supremacy has caused within our community on a continual basis. These well researched and verified facts can be read and will confirm that we have been placed in positions that placed many of us so far behind other races it’s deplorable. My goal as a fiancé, mother, as a friend, as a writer and a creative, is to highlight ways we can make our lives as black people more positive and fulfilling while we are on this earth. And I hope we can see each other as less of a threat and an enemy and extend grace and support to each other. As someone who is doing the best that I can with the cards that have been dealt, I hope to inspire some to do the same and more.

This topic is important to me so I hope to expand upon this free writing topic in future posts.

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