I never expected to be here. I checked into the hospital Friday, May 15th after a pretty bad MRI reading. I had been dealing with severe back pain during the month of April 2020 which almost had me in the emergency room. It was in the middle of my back and excruciating. Nothing relieved it outside of some of my CBD/THC tincture but not enough to make me comfortable. Before that and during, I was experiencing some pretty severe headaches in March as well. During all of this, I also finally weaned my toddler from nursing and my hormones took a massive hit as a result. All of these compounding ailments transitioned to some fairly extreme nerve pain shooting all the way down my left arm and hand for many days at the end of April/ beginning of May. The nerve pain ceased and the numbness, tingling, stiffness, weakness, loss of finger control, coordination and pressure started to roll out which has left me in a position of feeling thankful it’s just one arm and hand affected and panicked I may never get full use of my left arm and hand again. I’m on a 5-day steroid treatment and healing very slowly right now. It’s truly terrifying but I refuse to properly mourn the loss of this function because I’m really focused on the next steps I need put in place to heal.

I am stronger than I think I am and I am allowed to have challenging moments and ask for help when I need it

Throughout this journey, there has been confusion, years of winning with no symptoms, health gains, health setbacks, emotional trauma, emotional healing, and a roller coaster of a lot of other life’s joys and pains. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2013 after years of weird and peculiar symptoms. Numb leg, torso, eye floaters, headaches, and eye dimming. It took years to get a definitive diagnosis but there was a catch. Shortly after diagnosis, I serendipitously met a dermatologist who recommended I see a functional medical practitioner she had heard of who does a deep dive into the root cause of illness as opposed to putting a bandaid on the problem like many traditional Western doctors are used to doing. With him, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. Lyme mimics MS and many other chronic illnesses. The Lyme protocol has kept me healthy and relapse-free since 2014.

I know that 2020 didn’t start the relapse that has put me in the hospital but it was the last straw that broke the camel’s back forcing me to address a slow-moving train heading off a cliff.

Things were going well for a while and I was thankful. Then new motherhood, relationships/friendship challenges, new work requirements, starting a business, taking classes, working on film projects, applying for a Master’s Program, caring for a precocious 2-year-old, who had his own health struggles with a few illnesses back to back at the beginning of the year along with his father, and now the era of COVID-19 and social distancing had started to put a strain on my whole body. My diet and exercise diminished after I gave birth and my priorities shifted. Not to mention the passing of so many people in such a rapid, often violent, and heartbreaking way. 2020 has been a gut punch that many of us never expected. I know that 2020 didn’t start the relapse that has put me in the hospital but it was the last straw that broke the camel’s back forcing me to address a slow-moving train heading off a cliff.

I spent so much wasted time angry at this mysterious Neurodegenerative disease that started affecting me as early as 2007 that I never addressed the emotional toll it was taking on me and my outlook. I focused so much on the diet, exercise, supplements, and other treatments and ignored some of the underlying mental health components that will never go away until fully addressed. Reflecting back, I’ve noticed there were some areas that I needed to pay particular attention to for my overall well-being and for a better disease outcome.

Below are some areas that I’ve struggled with and that I have to be committed to focusing on if I want to regain and maintain my health moving forward.

Moving forward my below health and overall wellness goals will be:

• Saying no! I’m supportive of everything that my family and friends do but I often say yes and participate in things that my body is screaming at me for later. I will not be able to continue that cycle of people-pleasing moving forward
• Listening to my body. I am my own healer
• I am stronger than I think I am and I am allowed to have challenging moments and ask for help when I need it
• Continuing to disengage in low-vibrational, toxic dialogue that ultimately moves nothing or no one in a positive direction
• Speaking up for myself is not necessarily an issue but it’s imperative I remind myself to do this sooner rather than later before resentments permeate and linger
• Reclaiming my time! I don’t put myself first anymore, understandably for moms with a family, but my tank gets too depleted and bubbles over and manifests into exhaustion and disease symptoms
• Be clear and concise about my needs and more responsive to others as well. Essentially work on communicating more effectively about my desire for space and self-care
• Get back to the strict diet but don’t beat myself up for slipping
• Schedule more facetime and calls with friends during the quarantine phase and after.
• Connect to my spirituality every day and never neglect that relationship
• Always remember to connect with my significant other in meaningful, positive, and loving ways
• No matter how hard things get never forget to continue to be my silly self
• Always set goals and be intentional on working on them daily
• Manage the expectations of others and myself
• Last but certainly not least, continue to connect with my little boy and remember to always focus on whimsy and wonder while guiding him through life and loving him unconditionally

This is not a comprehensive goal sheet as I type this with one hand and two moderately functional fingers on the other hand. I wanted to start my realignment process and remember where this journey began as a reminder of the unexpected setback during an unprecedented time. This 5-day hospital stay was a wake-up call that I didn’t want but I desperately needed it. I’ve worked out every day since I was admitted and worked on keeping my spirits high and my body strong.

Thank you for the healing prayers, therapeutic video calls, and amazing sound healing session. I’m not 100% by a long shot and I will have weeks/months of physical therapy, doctors’ appointments, and many trial and error protocols on my plate to deal with this disease. Without the commitment to our health we have virtually nothing to offer ourselves or anyone else. I hope this motivates whoever is reading this to kickstart all of the things that need to be addressed that you have been putting off and learn to focus on ourselves more so we can be better partners, better parents, and better in the world. 2020 has taught us that life is unexpected and we cannot put off doing what we need to do to thrive right now.

Tell me what you have reflected on during this quarantine period and how you want to improve yourself from this moment in time on?

The post How Did I End up Here? An unexpected Hospital Journey appeared first on Carefully Created Chaos.

When will we realize that we matter to ourselves? When will we matter to each other? I read about a 19-year old, young black girl, Ta’Lela Stevenson, new mom of a newborn baby, that was killed by a 14-year old black girl who had been bullying Ta’Lela’s 14-year old sister. This young, troubled girl attempted to fight her younger sister and Ta’Lela intervened and was subsequently stabbed and killed. Now, her one-month-old daughter is without her mother. Ta’Lela’s newborn will forever feel a void not having her mother in her life and her family will have to live with the violence and anger that this misguided child has thrust upon them. This is how generational curses continue and prevail within the black communities. Some of us are broken and raising damaged children and we need to find a way to change the trajectory of the kids in our communities in our lives by healing our old wounds. Black girls hopes, dreams, feelings, lives matter!

Abandonment – Unloved – Abuse – Dreams Differed – Jealousy – Violence

We live in an angry society. America started in violence and it has always insidiously been lurking beneath the surface. Black people have endured massive amounts of violence and abuse and now generationally, many of us subconsciously and consciously, pass this down to our children, family, and communities and we need to become more aware of this pattern and work to stop it before it progresses.

How can we help ourselves, so we are effectively helping the generations after us?

While America justifies the mass shootings as a small subset of people who are mentally disturbed, many of us who have felt this country’s systemic violence physically and viscerally, know the feelings behind these shootings aren’t novel. They are as old as this country.

We have always been made to feel unwanted and a burden to a country that wanted to use and discard us. During slavery, black women weren’t able to properly care for and raise their own children and that historical fracture has created a lot of strained family dynamics. Mother’s unable to nourish and father’s unable to protect and 400+ year’s later we are in a continual state of crisis not of our own making. We are expected to accept responsibility for a cycle we didn’t create, cultivate and thrive on. Drive through any economically castrated area in the US and you see the current effects of the neglected and left behind.

Deep down, we know American will never atone for her sins so we have to decide that we want to heal and ascend to levels that we never dreamed of.

Reading the stories of Ta’Lela Stevenson, Raniya Wright, Kashala Francis, Amy Joyner-Francis and a multitude of other black girls who were bullied and killed by other black girls I couldn’t help but think of how long that anger festered in these girls until they finally exploded and decided to take out their feelings of abandonment, feelings of being unloved, abuse, feelings of dreams differed, feelings of jealousy and violence on their peers? Was this the first time they felt compelled to express their frustration violently or had there been a cycle of trauma all of their lives? Or, did they inherit a wave of subconscious dormant anger that so many black people have and if provoked finally exposes itself in unfathomable ways? The education system, the Justice System and our family’s generational pain have created some of the most hurt, abused, hopeless souls that find ways to snuff out any light in the world they see shining too brightly. This infuriates and pains me as a mother of a child I hope never encounters a soul this broken but devastated that so many of us walk around feeling this desperate.

We cannot allow any more children to grow up thinking they have no purpose and are completely unworthy of love. These feelings fester, turn into resentment and morphing into a rage with innocent people ending up at the receiving end of their destruction. We have to think of ways to shape the future, so we don’t continue this cycle of jealousy and violence our kids continuously go through while just trying to live their lives. If we don’t address our systemic traumatic issues, we will never move on from our past and remain in this low vibration so many of us are hovering in. I can’t stomach to see another beautiful, promising black life lost because we continue to walk around powder kegs of trauma unhealed.

Below are some simple transformative ways, we can implement now that may help us ascend past some of our emotional troubles.

Monitor destructive media consumption

Too often, I notice black people consuming negative media that only feeds a desire to watch and participate in more destructive media and behavior.

Reality shows, Certain types of Rap/Hip-Hop and Gossip social media sites

Low vibrational content is known to keep those in a mental state of shame, fear, apathy, pride, and anger. That is in the suffering range and on the opposite end of enlightenment. I’m not saying we need to completely get rid of guilty pleasures but we need to be completely conscious of what is going on in between our ears and what our eyes are processing because no medium is casual. We internalize many stimuli and need to be intentional about what our brain, heart, and soul feed on.

Daily Self Check-in

It’s important that we stop, assess how we’re feeling and write down our thoughts. Many of us mask our feelings with stuff. With shopping, scrolling, reality tv and other mindless activities. We do so much so we won’t have to address what is buried at the core of us. It’s important we find activities that make us stop and check in on ourselves. I do this by journaling in a phone app.

Invest in Spiritual teachings and practices

As black people, many of us have been taught to only turn to the word of god when going through a crisis or seeking personal growth help. It’s imperative that we utilize all healthy resources available to us in order to heal the areas in our lives that are causing us to remain miserable and stagnant. I have found peace while reading spiritual teachings of Abraham-Hicks, Eckart Tolle, Michael Alan Singer, to name a few. I’ve started to make a conscious effort to read spiritual teachings from black authors as well because it’s important to hear the voices of our people ringing in our minds as we cleanse our souls from the human gunk we’ve picked up along the way. More black people need to research that spirituality can help reconnect them to their inner core and thus helping them heal past the judgment and anguish so many have felt but have had no way to clear.

I’m a huge advocate of meditation and sound healing. Both provide the daily relaxation and mind-clearing needed to truly unburden yourself from excessive negative self-talk and judgment that some of us tend to do which fuels low vibrational emotions of envy and hatred that can cause a ripple effect of pain for many at the receiving end.

Consciously parent your children

I don’t want to read any more stories of black children bullying and killing each other and to stop this it’s up to parents to change how we treat and parent our children. Often times, parents push back when someone suggests that they need to do more in order to raise better humans because many feel like they are doing all that they can do. Sometimes it takes looking outside of what you have been doing and looking for different approaches to parent. Kids of all ages still want attention, boundaries, and affection. We have to learn how to accomplish this as their needs inevitably change. Our kids should see us positively loving ourselves and others. Our kids need to see us consuming healthy mediums and practicing small acts of self-care daily. Our spirituality and connection to ourselves should be a topic of discussion for the whole family. We should want to create such a mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically aligned space for ourselves that our kids will have no choice but to positively feed off of those things. We really have the power to heal ourselves and subsequently heal our children. That should be every parents’ goals.

The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself

Steve Maraboli

I’m interested in the overall health of the black community and we need to be so focused on our well-being that we become obsessed with helping ourselves, each other and more importantly our children. When I read stories about the abuse some of us have suffered and how that abuse creates more abuse, more abandonment, more struggles, and more death, I always think how can we stop this cycle before it infects the next generation. We owe it ourselves to heal. We owe it to God to take our lives and ourselves seriously and to live the best lives that we can while we are here. You don’t have to agree with every tip that I’m given but I hope you will find a positive way to affect change within your own life which will be a catalyst for the lives of your children and an overhaul of our communities.

The post Black Girls Matter appeared first on Carefully Created Chaos.

“The tragedy in life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.”

Benjamin Mays

Social media and its focus on perfect vacation shots, the influx of entrepreneurs and many people living the dream have the tendency to highlight the deficits within your own life. I have never wanted to have someone else’s life. I just want my talents to be revealed so I can pursue them! I’ve been discouraged by many people throughout my life. I’ve been flat out told I wasn’t good enough. I have been told that I should “downsize” my dreams or shift my focus to something easier because I wasn’t capable of my goals. Many dreams have been discouraged by others and it’s unfortunate. I truly believe in between all of the rubbish forced on our children in school, a course on goal setting, identifying your passions and talents would add so much meaning to so many people’s lives. I’m wise enough to know that this is not how our society is designed. If everyone was confident in their abilities and taught to relentlessly pursue their gifts that would leave the vast majority of the workforce hurting for folks to fill the large unskilled labor positions. It’s up to parents to ensure their children are taught these self-discovery lessons so our kids can make the most of their lives while they are here.

“Ask and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you.”

Matthew 7:7

I write these words not to remind myself of my own shortcomings or to feel victimized by society but as a starting place that I hope will lead me down the path, I have been so desperately searching for. I like my 9 to 5 job but I know my individual story is bigger than any job. My internal work is continuously so I’ve started incorporating some of the below tips to help me stay focused, find my voice and confidence along with re-centering what happiness is to me.

Closer to Purpose Fulfilled – Tips and Tricks

“Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment.”

Stephen Covey

Practicing daily gratefulness

Throughout my mental gymnastics, I’ve always remained grateful and thankful. Just keeping that in my heart has allowed me to experience daily miracles. I usually speak how thankful I am when I get home and how grateful I am before bed and when I wake. This keeps me grounded and the self-induced pressure I place on myself into perspective.

Set-up daily affirmation notifications

Daily affirmations bring me out of my head and remind me to relax, take a deep breath and that I’m still here, continuing this journey with abundant opportunities. I use the motivation app which sends me quotes throughout the day which help me stay focused, cause me to pause and shift my thinking throughout the day.

Daily Self-Checks

The Day One and Daylio apps are simple to use and have been beneficial for me when I use them daily. The Day One app is a journaling app that is very simple to use and allows you to use pictures or the text box in order to express your current mental and emotional state. I like writing in a physical journal, rather than a phone app, but the journaling apps have become my new favorite mental health tools because of their accessibility and ease of use. My therapist has me tracking my moods so I can make the necessary changes to help my overall well-being and professional goal-setting. When my mood is off everything is off and writing has always been therapeutic for me!

The Daylio app sends you reminders for you to quickly check-in with yourself and select from the simple pictures that allow you to assess your current mood. There are goals and algorithms within the app that allow you to see a snapshot of where your mood has been throughout the week.

Get moving

I used to be an avid exerciser and with a busier work schedule and raising a toddler, my workouts have gotten shorter, but I still walk quite often. I love summer because I love being outside. During the summer months, I take every opportunity to be outside walking or playing with my son. You naturally feel better when you switch up your routine and get moving! The much needed natural Vitamin D is also a plus.

Just get to work

Starting a project terribly is better than not starting a project at all! I oftentimes get stuck on how to achieve the several goals I have for myself and also really homing in on what I love, what I’m good at and what I have a passion for. Every successful person says the best way to get to where you want to be is to keep working on things that speak to your soul. By keeping yourself busy in spaces that crank up your creativity and ignite your passions, you will eventually be lead to the place your heart has been longing for. I’m getting closer, I can feel it.

Meditation

Meditating is a must for me and I try to work in a few minutes of quiet time each day. If you are an overthinker like me, taking time to quiet your mind, reconnect with your source usually helps better prepare for the day. I prefer to meditate in the morning but finding the best time to accomplish this with an early rising 2-year-old has been quite a challenge. I tend to have more time and night and this ritual helps me sleep better. Start with short meditations to get acclimated to the meditation practice and then work up to longer meditations.

I’m using these techniques every day/week and they are helping clear my mental clutter and aiding to get me closer down my desired path. It’s important to clear your mind so you can access those recesses of your brain that are often too clogged to help with your creativity connection. I’d like to turn the Purpose Unfilled into a series that shows my progress and hopefully the progress of others who might relate to my struggles. I hope to eventually turn this into the Purpose Fulfilled series where we are actively working on dreams and goals and managing our stressors at the same time.

Please add your tips below that you are using to reveal your gifts, find your passions, and ultimately calm your nerves in the process!

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