It has come up, directly and indirectly, how lucky and fortunate I was to grow up in a stable two-parent household. I have felt and continue to feel incredibly blessed to have had the upbringing that I had and the close relationship that I still have with my parents. I know that my life, was ideal and not entirely the norm, and for that I am grateful but saddened that it wasn’t the norm. Most people say they want to give their kids the life that they didn’t have. Parents want their kids to have a better education, a better home and a healthier life then the life that they may have had but often times those same people belittle and disrespect adults who came from those same backgrounds they want their kids to have. Our struggles and opinions are often invalid to many people who had harsher upbringings.

I’m sad that having two stable parents, who were both active in all of their kids lives, is atypical of the black experience. It’s sad that my pains and struggles get overlooked because I didn’t grow up with dysfunction and abuse. I wish no one grew up with dysfunction and abuse because our communities would be thriving if we truly addressed those systemic issues that so many of us choose to ignore. Within my own extended family there is dysfunction and I’ve seen how that affects everyone around.

As black people, we hold so much value on the negative aspects of our culture. We cling and hold onto the abuse we suffered because it makes us “tougher.” We view fatherlessness or motherlessness as the aspect of our upbringing that helped us to “grow up” and depend on ourselves. I understand that terrible situations can catapult us into success stories. I know drive and determination to get out of unsavory circumstances can be a major motivator for many. I understand that belittling the experience of a “privileged person” is a defense mechanism. I know it’s a way to discredit our human struggles. As a black community we need to dismantle our praise for the unfortunate negative experiences that so many of us are subjugated to while we are growing up. These same circumstances are often shared experiences we use to bond with each other. We bond over the negative because for a whole lot of us, the negative was inherited and clinging to it was the only way to survive. Obviously, not all of us grew up in turmoil but generationally we have all been touched with unfortunate circumstances that have affected our behaviors and emotions.

Having a stable upbringing didn’t absolve me from other traumas and pain. It didn’t absolve me from the very real racism I’ve faced throughout my life. It certainly didn’t make me better than anyone. What having two functional and happy parents did, was make it less likely that I would make detrimental mistakes that may severely impact my future. It helped with making better decisions about dating prospects. It helped me have more confidence in areas in my life that may have been reserved for “certain types” of people but I had the parental support to pursue anything I wanted and to shine all of my black girl magic. It gave me a perspective of humanity that many people who were raised on survival may have missed. It may have taken me years to truly understand this but I truly knew that there was enough money, love, affection, attention in the world for everyone to have if they so desired. What happens to us as children truly does shape the rest of our lives. We have to undo so many things that took place when we were in our formative years. I just hope that those undoing their own traumas see that no child deserves abuse or neglect and it’s never the fault of the kid if this was their norm. Most of my thinking, as an adult, even through pain and unfortunate circumstances, is that there is enough of everything for everyone. If our community truly understood that amplifying the good always attracts more good, we could truly transform our lives and revolutionize our families. My mind was never on scarcity because I rarely went without the basics growing up. We weren’t rich but I never went to bed hungry. I was always told I was loved by both of my parents. I received affection from both parents and I was encouraged by both of my parents. Those basic elements solidified that life could be expansive for me along with everybody else. Often, when you are raised on survival, those basic elements may not be learned until later on once healing has occurred. There is a scarcity mindset with many of us because resources were in fact scarce. When you are raised on love, your outlook and prospects on life are just different.

I wish we would bond with each other over healing past traumas, growing in our emotional, mental intelligence. I wish we would bond with each other to help each of us get physically healthier, grow in ways that we never knew were possible instead of bonding over mental, emotional and physical wounds. I’m sincerely tired of the black folks within and outside of my life battling each other because of fresh and unhealed wounds. While my personal example of how I was treated for being black and having a supportive family is rather benign, there are countless other ways in which black folks do so much damage to each other in the name of spiritual brokenness. We need to be more compassionate to each other. We need each other. Truly helping each other would transform worlds.

A lot of what I talk about in my work is not looking towards the destruction that white supremacy has caused within our community on a continual basis. These well researched and verified facts can be read and will confirm that we have been placed in positions that placed many of us so far behind other races it’s deplorable. My goal as a fiancé, mother, as a friend, as a writer and a creative, is to highlight ways we can make our lives as black people more positive and fulfilling while we are on this earth. And I hope we can see each other as less of a threat and an enemy and extend grace and support to each other. As someone who is doing the best that I can with the cards that have been dealt, I hope to inspire some to do the same and more.

This topic is important to me so I hope to expand upon this free writing topic in future posts.

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